APOLARITY

today i received the best compliment i think i have ever received:

“You strike me as a barbarian warlord.”

“Just because I have endured the storms of anguish, doubs, and fear, the soul sings, do not think that I have for a minute run the risk of being lost. Quite the opposite; in the darkness of this night I have found myself.

In the night, I sneak away from my enemies, who are perpetually impeding my progress. In the darkness, I change my clothes and disguise myself with garments of three different colors. I leave by a very secret passageway that no one in the house knows about, concealing myself so that I can accomplish my goal.

I am especially secure in this night of purification because my appetites, inclinations, and passions have been put to sleep, humbled, and stilled. Awake and vitalized, they would never consent to this journey!

I am

‘Secure in the darkness…’ ”

-St. John of the Cross, The Dark Night of the Soul

I’m not a creative writer. Starting a blog (again) is making me question my motives. I want to gain appoval among my peers. I want to be recognised as one of them.

True, I do love expression for its own sake, and the inner value that writing gives me, but couldn’t I do that in the privacy of my journal? Can the typed word even be as impacting as the one scrawled by pen?

I have decided to keep my blog. I want to be known deeply by my friends, and if I communicate better in writing than in conversation, then I must allow others to read what I write.

True, I must self-censor some, but hopefully it is because the parts I leave out are inconsequential and uninteresting. I don’t wand to omit for the purpose of casting myself in a better light in the eyes of others. I hope I will report failures as well as successes.

For my part, I hope that the presence of this self-doubt in my soul is evidence that I still have a heart. And I intend to keep heart – to the (bitter) end.

Maury gives me so much material, he could be inspiration for a whole column. Heck, for a whole blog. Last night, I asked him if anything was new.

Maury: How about with you?

me: Oh, just..working.

Maury: I’m just..livin’.

He ordered a drip coffee instead of his usual iced tea. So I said, “You’re throwing me a curveball today.”

Maury: It’s just a drink. You don’t have to get paranoid.

me: I’m not paranoid, Maury.

Maury: Good.

When I started working at my current job, one of the first regulars I was introduced to was Maury. I naturally thought that I was being introduced to him because he was a favorite, a best friend to my coworkers. I realise now that his eccentricity is actually what makes him stand out. Okay. So the man comes walking into the store literally about five or more times a day, but never on any set schedule. He orders a “venti iced tea, black, unsweetened” (which he will say the whole thing most of the time even though I have made his tea hundreds of times). $2.08 he pays with bills from his wallet and change from his massive collection of coins in his pocket. He never tips, not a penny. Ask him how he’s doing, and he invariably replies, “Awright,” in his aging hippy, killed-way-too-many brain cells on drugs in the 70s, gruff voice. Then he goes to one of the comfy chairs, sits down, and stares at people. For hours at a time. It’s his pastime.

Usually, Maury gets several refills of iced tea before he leaves (at $.55, he pays with exact change). But what’s really interesting is that I have witnessed him on several occasions not take a sip of his iced tea, and either leave it on the condiment bar or throw it away (full). And it’s not that he leaves; he proceeds to buy another iced tea.

Once in a while, he deviates even further. After throwing away his iced tea one day, he came up to the register, picked up a bottle of pre-packaged iced tea. Okay, so he’s trying something different.

me: So your usual’s not doing it for you today, Maury?

Maury: It’s doing it. It’s just not doing what I want it to do.

Yes, dialogue is where things start to get interesting with Maury. Some more samplings:

me: How was your Christmas, Maury?

Maury: Real good.

me: Did you spend time with family

Maury: I FLY SOLO.

me: How you doing today?

Maury: I think the question, that I would have asked when I was a psychologist, should be “Why is he asking me this?”

There are more. I think that every time he speaks, he just leaves me without a word to say. Here’s to you, Maury. No one can say they’ve got you figured out.

to be content is not to only want what you have or to have all that you want. rather, it is to desire for a better life while at the same time realising you can’t make it happen yourself.