I’ve been pretty contemplative today, which as usual has led me to a mellow/melancholy state. I feel like I waste a lot of time, and when I combine that with foregoing some of the things that make me feel most alive (adventuring, writing, creating), it can cause me to feel like my life in its present state isn’t worth much.
If I were to put it in the language of The Sacred Romance, I would say that I have been pursuing “less-wild lovers,” things that are designed to numb the ache that I have for completion/unity/eternity.
I need a good dose of beauty. Not just to lift my spirits or give me a quick fix, but to realign me, point me in the direction of heaven.
or a dull truth. Dullness, not doubt, is the strongest enemy of faith, just as indifference, not hate, is the strongest enemy of love.”
-Peter Kreeft, Everything You Wanted to Know About Heaven
I think that’s my problem right now. Both the lies and the truths that I pursue are so meaningless, so unfulfilling. I want to live something more dynamic. This thing called Christian spirituality is supposed to be so much more than a list of morals and actions to follow or avoid – I know this, I keep telling myself this, but don’t often feel closer to achieving a life about which I am proud.
I need to have something that I am running towards, not just a litany of things to run away from, and therein, as they say, lies the rub. Sometimes I feel like I am no further along this journey of desire than when I was caught up in it so compellingly about two years ago.
Ultimately, I know, what I am running towards is Christ himself, the fullness of his stature, and a future of fulfillment, adventure and passion. But how to hash that out in my everyday life mostly leads to confusion if I put much thought into it. This struggle does have implications for both my internal and external life – my political, social, theological views, how I treat my friends and neighbors, who I share my deepest parts with, etc.
Maybe it is a good thing that I am feeling both confusion and hope, desire and despondency; maybe that is the dichotomy with which we must live here between heaven and hell.