18th May 2004
I Power Blogger
I guess if I am going to be td’s blog of the week, I should post something this week. Actually, I have been aching to write about this experience for the last couple days. I haven’t told it to anyone yet.
Saturday night there was a party at my coworker’s house. I am not usually into the whole social network or anything (especially by myself), but I have really been wanting to develop the relationships I have with my friends at work. So I went. I arrived slightly later than scheduled, to allow more of the people I knew opportunity to get there. I walked in, and didn’t know a single person. Well, I had met one, who was a friend of a friend, at Trader Joe’s and spoke briefly.
The host of the party showed up shortly, as well as a couple other friends from work. Most of the people were being influenced by alcohol and/or weed. A couple people rolled a joint right in the living room, then went to another room to partake thereof.
I say these things to give background, to give a picture of my social discomfort, not, of course, to pass judgment on any of the behaviours aforementioned. I was feeling quite out of place, to the point of thinking it may have been a mistake to come; but something, maybe that same social fear, kept me from leaving. Of course I was quiet and softspoken, of course I didn’t really know how to initiate conversations, but after a while I realised I wasn’t the only one being less than interactive. I began to be more focused and observant of what the others were doing, rather than being so self-conscious. In short, I slowly began to be comfortable with who I am, like the ugly duckling coming to the realization that she is not a duck.
Great though that may be for me personally, that is not the reason I wanted to share this story. I had an encounter with someone just when I had decided to leave. I had said my good-byes downstairs, and had gone upstairs to announce my departure, when I was drawn into a conversation about Will Ferrell. There was discussion about watching the “best of” DVD when talk got serious.
I, at least, thought that was weird.
Ian (no not that Ian), the boyfriend of a former coworker, said that the only skit he couldn’t/wouldn’t watch was the one where he was the nude model for the art class.
Ian had earlier said that I was the most emo looking kid at the party. He played an Elliot Smith song and a Shins song on the guitar, I think because he knew I would appreciate them.
He didn’t like the skit because Will Ferrell talked about Hepatitis (“I got an A, 2 B’s and a C”). Ian said he couldn’t laugh at a joke like that. He proceeded to explain that his dad had contracted Hep C in 1990 from a blood transfusion related to a dental surgery. The average length of time between someone contracting Hep C and dying from it is 15 years. The medicine that his dad had been taking had recently stopped working. He talked at length of the injustice of it and the pain he felt at the prospect of losing his dad, whom he respected more than anyone else in the world. After a while, Ian went outside for a smoke (some fresh air).
I followed him out, as I was still intending to leave the party. Ian talked more about how scared he was and what it was like seeing his dad be so frail. I told him that I was impressed with his ability to talk about it and be affected by it. I told him that it wasn’t weakness for him to cry and be afraid. I told him that he was being strong, and that it was important for him to grieve like that.
A few minutes later, as I was actually leaving, Ian shook my hand and said, “Thank you for what you said. I knew you were cool as soon as I saw you. It wasn’t just that you liked Elliot Smith; there was a positive energy [don't remember his actual words here] about you.”
That made it all worthwhile. Not that someone recognized my inner coolness, but as a confirmation that the something inside me is noticeable. That my presence does make a difference, even if I am not the true socialite.
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